Belgium, Slovakia, Romania, and Ukraine welcome you to Group E, probably the most boring group at this year’s tournament. It should play out similarly to the ACC circa 2016-2021. Belgium (Clemson) and a whole lot of nothing else. Unlike those Clemson teams, Belgium doesn’t have Dabo Swinney as their coach (although Dabo is the most likely college football coach to actually try and be Ted Lasso). Belgium itself is more similar to 2022-present Clemson. Name recognition for a golden generation, but a shell of its former self. At least Belgium has the excuse that there’s no transfer portal for your native country.
Belgium are anchored by two United Emirates of Manchester stars, Kevin De Bruyne and Jeremy Doku. Doku in particular could become the star of the tournament, as he was arguably Man City’s best player down the stretch of their 4th consecutive Premier League title. But, there’s a sense that Belgium missed its chance to win a major tournament.
Slovakia are a surprisingly exciting team. They were rather free-scoring during their qualifying run into the Euros and scored 4 goals in each of their warmup matches earlier this month. Including a 4-0 win over Wales. No need to remind everyone that Gareth Bale has retired to the golf course, and Wales recently drew with Gibraltar which is literally a rock. Instead, let’s focus on the fact that Slovakia might produce some of excitement in this nondescript group. Anchored by Napoli midfielder Stanislav Lobotka, Slovakia are sneaky contenders to make it out of the group stage and into the slaughter. Use this as a warm-up for the upcoming 12-team college football playoff. A whole lot of teams that don’t deserve it getting blown out.
Romania is back in the tournament after missing out on Euro 2020(1). I would try and give y’all an in-depth analysis of Romania, but I haven’t watched a second of the Romanian national team. That’s probably a good thing. The Romanians haven’t won a match since 2023, and they didn’t score a goal in either of their two warm-up matches. Romania’s best player is Radu Dragusin who plays for Tottenham in England. Your best player coming from Tottenham is a bad sign. Romania will win as many games as Spurs have trophies in these player’s lifetimes. 0. Plus, these kits are as bland as the soccer they play:
Lastly, the biggest threat to Belgium in this group is Ukraine. If Belgium can’t win a group where their biggest threat is currently at war, then maybe they’ll take Romania’s title as the Spurs of the group. Unlike Slovakia and Romania, Ukraine have real threats up front in Girona’s Artem Dovbyk and Chelsea’s Mykhailo Mudryk. Dovbyk scored 24 goals for Girona this season as they shocked La Liga and qualified for the Champions League. Please ignore the fact that they are one of the wings of City Football Group and therefore an oil club at heart. Dovbyk though just gets paid by the UAE and typically that means you’re pretty good. Here’s a taste of what he could bring to Ukraine:
Mudryk on the other hand has been much less impressive since his move to Chelsea. You could copy and paste that sentence with any number of names since Todd Bohely took over the club. Nobody told Chelsea that the Dodgers only win in shortened seasons. Despite his spursy-ness at Chelseas, Mudryk typically puts on a show for the Ukrainian national team and expect more of the same in this weak group. Ukranians give their country something to smile about and finish second with ease in this group (possibly first).
Prediction: 1) Belgium 2) Ukraine 3) Slovakia 4) Romania
Best Bet: Romania bottom of the group (+175)
Georgia-ish 