Category: Picks, Picks, Picks

Lastly, we have Group F. Home of Portugal, Turkey, Czech Republic, and Georgia. Welcome to the SEC fellas.

As much as I want to go all in on this Georgia team (for obvious reasons) we’ll have to stick with moral support as it’s incredible they’ve made it to their first major tournament in the first place. Georgia’s roster reads more like Georgia State than UGA, but they do have one of the best players in the world and someone that on his day could be the best player on the field. This is more than most countries at this competition can say and gives the Georgians a chance. About as much chance as Georgia State beating UGA, but a chance nonetheless (we must not forget the Georgia Southern overtime game, thank you Sony). This player is Khvicha Kvarataskhlia or Kvaradona as Napoli’s fans affectionately call him. If anyone wants to go viral this summer, a video of Georgia football fans pronouncing the name of Georgia football star Kvaradona would do quite well. Here’s a taste of what he can do:

Georgia have also called up an Atlanta United player to their roster, which seems like it may have been a mandatory rule. Typically, players from Atlanta playing for Georgia has turned out well. From one Georgian to another, best of luck.

Now, if you have ever come across a soccer post on any social media site you’re already well acquainted with Turkish soccer fans. If you haven’t, imagine a post about a player going into the transfer portal and the comments consisting of hopeful (and annoying) fans posting their team’s corresponding emoji or slogan to convince the player to transfer their school. Now imagine that for every single player that has so much as looked at your school x10000, that is Turkish soccer fandom. “Come to Fenerbache” is definitely in the top-10 of most common instagram comments of all time.

Although, Turkey’s hopes rest on a player who recently left Fenerbache for Real Madrid, Arda Guler. At only 19 years old, there’s a lot of pressure and hype surrounding Guler to lead Turkey past the group stage. Luckily for Guler, and his Instagram comments, he has a partner in crime in Inter Milan’s Hakan Calhanoglu who is among the world’s best and most underrated midfielders. Turkey finishes second in this group.

Perhaps the forgotten team of this group is the Czech Republic. Despite not having qualified for the World Cup since 2006, the Czechs have qualified for every Euro since their break-up with Slovakia in 1996. They’ve also made it out of the group stage every other tournament since they’ve competed as Czechia. Unfortunately, they qualified for the knockout stages in 2020(1), so they’re not allowed to make it out of the group stage this time around. West Ham’s Tomas Soucek and Bayer Leverkusen’s Patrik Schick are the main men for the Czech Republic. Schick scored an incredible goal at the last Euro, but a pattern is a pattern and the Czechs won’t get out of the group. Here’s the goal though, sorry Scotland:

Okay, let’s talk about Portugal. Perhaps the most unlikable of the big teams at this tournament, the conversation still starts with Ronaldo. At 39-years old Ronaldo led the Portuguese in goals in qualifying and was scoring goals for fun in Saudi Arabia this season. However, it’s possible (maybe even likely) Ronaldo negotiated a contract with the Saudis that required them to let him score a certain amount of goals. Ronald probably has a similar agreement in place with UEFA, and I fully expect him to get several penalties in this tournament. But even if Ronaldo (Homelander) stops taking “Compound V”, Portugal might have the best roster at this year’s tournament. Fulham’s Joao Palhinha led the Premier League in successful tackles this season, and he is joined by Manchester United’s Bruno Fernandes who despite being among the most annoying players in the world is undoubtedly talented. Up front, AC Milan’s Rafael Leao is electric and should shine in Germany.

We can just get to the point now, Portugal is my pick to win the whole thing. Not only do they have one of the best, if not the best, rosters, they also have the easiest path through to the semi-finals. Plus, if y’all think UEFA is letting Ronaldo lose in his final Euros then you haven’t been paying attention. Corruption always wins, just ask Argentina about Qatar.

Prediction: 1) Portugal 2) Turkey 3) Czech Republic 4) Georgia (But a proud 4th)

Best Bet: Portugal to win the Euros (+650)

Belgium, Slovakia, Romania, and Ukraine welcome you to Group E, probably the most boring group at this year’s tournament. It should play out similarly to the ACC circa 2016-2021. Belgium (Clemson) and a whole lot of nothing else. Unlike those Clemson teams, Belgium doesn’t have Dabo Swinney as their coach (although Dabo is the most likely college football coach to actually try and be Ted Lasso). Belgium itself is more similar to 2022-present Clemson. Name recognition for a golden generation, but a shell of its former self. At least Belgium has the excuse that there’s no transfer portal for your native country.

Belgium are anchored by two United Emirates of Manchester stars, Kevin De Bruyne and Jeremy Doku. Doku in particular could become the star of the tournament, as he was arguably Man City’s best player down the stretch of their 4th consecutive Premier League title. But, there’s a sense that Belgium missed its chance to win a major tournament.

Slovakia are a surprisingly exciting team. They were rather free-scoring during their qualifying run into the Euros and scored 4 goals in each of their warmup matches earlier this month. Including a 4-0 win over Wales. No need to remind everyone that Gareth Bale has retired to the golf course, and Wales recently drew with Gibraltar which is literally a rock. Instead, let’s focus on the fact that Slovakia might produce some of excitement in this nondescript group. Anchored by Napoli midfielder Stanislav Lobotka, Slovakia are sneaky contenders to make it out of the group stage and into the slaughter. Use this as a warm-up for the upcoming 12-team college football playoff. A whole lot of teams that don’t deserve it getting blown out.

Romania is back in the tournament after missing out on Euro 2020(1). I would try and give y’all an in-depth analysis of Romania, but I haven’t watched a second of the Romanian national team. That’s probably a good thing. The Romanians haven’t won a match since 2023, and they didn’t score a goal in either of their two warm-up matches. Romania’s best player is Radu Dragusin who plays for Tottenham in England. Your best player coming from Tottenham is a bad sign. Romania will win as many games as Spurs have trophies in these player’s lifetimes. 0. Plus, these kits are as bland as the soccer they play:

Lastly, the biggest threat to Belgium in this group is Ukraine. If Belgium can’t win a group where their biggest threat is currently at war, then maybe they’ll take Romania’s title as the Spurs of the group. Unlike Slovakia and Romania, Ukraine have real threats up front in Girona’s Artem Dovbyk and Chelsea’s Mykhailo Mudryk. Dovbyk scored 24 goals for Girona this season as they shocked La Liga and qualified for the Champions League. Please ignore the fact that they are one of the wings of City Football Group and therefore an oil club at heart. Dovbyk though just gets paid by the UAE and typically that means you’re pretty good. Here’s a taste of what he could bring to Ukraine:

Mudryk on the other hand has been much less impressive since his move to Chelsea. You could copy and paste that sentence with any number of names since Todd Bohely took over the club. Nobody told Chelsea that the Dodgers only win in shortened seasons. Despite his spursy-ness at Chelseas, Mudryk typically puts on a show for the Ukrainian national team and expect more of the same in this weak group. Ukranians give their country something to smile about and finish second with ease in this group (possibly first).

Prediction: 1) Belgium 2) Ukraine 3) Slovakia 4) Romania

Best Bet: Romania bottom of the group (+175)

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. Group D, home to France, The Netherlands, Poland, and Austria should be the most free-flowing of the groups at this edition of the Euros (now you can all lock-in 0-0 draws for every game in Group D).

If England to win wasn’t the most profitable bet of all time for sportsbooks all around the world, the French would be the favorites to win it all. Still, as long as they don’t let Rudy Gobert or Adrien Rabiot’s mom within 10-miles of the team they should cruise into the semi-finals of this tournament.

Despite wasting his club career to this point at PSG, Kylian Mbappe is the best player in the world. In Germany, he’s going to put on a preview of what’s to come next season at his new up and coming club, Real Madrid. Mbappe’s Kevin Durant-impression aside, France will have the deepest squad in Germany this summer. Antoine Griezmann might be the most underrated player in the world, and he will be able to roam free in the French midfield to dictate play and create chances for Mbappe, Ousmane Dembele, and likely Bradley Barcola. The French defense is just as strong, although coach Didier Deschamps’s insistence on playing Dayot Umpamecano over Arsenal’s William Saliba is Tom Crean-esque. Chelsea and Leicester City legend N’golo Kante’s return to the national team also gives us an excuse to re-listen to this banger from the 2018 World Cup:

Next, the Dutch come limping into this tournament after their two best midfielders, Frenkie De Jong and Teun Koopmeiners, both were injured in pre-tournament practice. Since finishing in third-place in the 2014 World Cup, Holland’s best win was against Gregg Berhalter and the United States in the round of 16 in Qatar. Considering my golden retriever could come up with better tactics than coach double G, that’s a resume that would get you sent to the NIT. Still, the Dutch have plenty of pedigree and their defense is strong with a center back pairing of Liverpool’s Virgil Van Djik and light-blue oil club’s Nathan Ake. Inter Milan’s Denzel Dumfries and Bayer Leverkusen breakout star Jeremie Frimpong round out the defense and should cause problems for teams.

But, as is the issue with 99% of other teams in this tournament the Netherlands lack a true goal scorer. When Memphis Depay chooses to play, he is among the most talented players in the world. Unfortunately, Depay plays like the Memphis Grizzlies the majority of the time (the Morant-less Grizzlies to be clear). If Cody Gakpo can find some of his tournament magic he had in Qatar this team could reach the quarterfinals.

A wildcard in this tournament is Austria. They have only lost one match in the past calendar year, including an impressive 2-0 win against Germany last November. Still, most people would struggle to name more than 2 or 3 players in this squad. Long-time Austrian captain David Alaba is injured and won’t play in this year’s tournament, so maybe the Austrians should consider getting back together with their old pals Hungary. Even still, former Stoke City striker Marko Arnautovic is capable of magic on his day, and Austria may surprise a few in this group. Plus, there are rumors that Manchester United want to sign Arnautovic, which as we all know players that sign for Ten Haag’s Manchester United are always destined for success. RIP to your career if you go to Old Trafford sir, but at least he’s already done it on a rainy night in Stoke:

Poland may very well be the worst team in Euro 2024. Robert Lewandowski is the name everyone knows, but he’s unquestionably in decline at this stage of his career. MLS beckons Robert. Beyond Lewandowski, the Polish side reads like a mid-level MAC school. Kent State isn’t winning too many games in the SEC, and neither is Poland in the Euros. Atlanta United’s Bartosz Slisz is in the Polish squad for this year’s tournament, that is not good. Even Gregg Berhalter isn’t calling up Atlanta United players anymore. Enjoy Lewandowski’s last major tournament. It will probably be Poland’s last for awhile as well.

Prediction: 1) France 2) Netherlands 3) Austria 4) Poland

Best Bet: Poland to lose all group games (+400)

Football’s Coming Home. Wait, sorry England, was just reading ESPN’s new promo for the SEC deal, this is the Group C preview. For our third preview, we have England, Denmark, Slovenia, and Serbia. Not quite the flashiest group on paper, but anytime the English media is involved it’s guaranteed to be entertaining. If the English press and SEC message boards ever joined forces we’d solve world hunger. Or more likely create a transatlantic terror organization.

This group is all about the English. The three lions have never won a European Championship and have only won one World Cup all the way back in 1966. Yet, despite having the trophy cabinet of Texas A&M, they are consistently among the favorites at tournaments. Some years it hasn’t been warranted, but this year it is. The English definitely have the best group of attacking talent in Europe at this year’s tournament. With many teams lacking options up front, the English could field three sets of attackers that would start at 90% of other Euros participants. (Side note: Crystal Palace getting 4 players into the best England squad in years warms the heart).

The question is what does manager Gareth Southgate do with all these options and is it too much of a good thing? Does he start Chelsea breakout star and Trae Young celebration thief Cole Palmer or does he stick with Arsenal’s Bukayo Saka and Manchester City’s Phil Foden on the wings? England’s best team is likely with La Liga player of the year Jude Bellingham playing alongside Declan Rice in midfield with Foden in the number 10 position. This would allow for Southgate to have (still trophy-less) Harry Kane, Saka, and one of Palmer/Eberechi Eze/Anthony Gordon all in the same team. Lastly, despite their endless options in attack, injuries have left England very vulnerable in defense. Despite my soft spot for Crystal Palace, I’m unsure about relying on Marc Guehi to stop Mbappe later in the tournament. Whether football comes home is down to whether Jimbo Southgate can get out of his own way and let the talent play. England lose another heartbreaker in the final, and twitter has an all-time content day.

Slovenia may ring a bell for NBA fans as the home of the world’s whiniest basketball player. It also might ring a bell for US Men’s National Team fans for the classic match they played against the United States in the 2010 World Cup. A refresher:

It’s not the best sign for Slovenia that their most famous player of this generation is a goalkeeper, Atletico Madrid’s Jan Oblak. Particularly, not a great sign that Oblak is also inching past his prime in a tournament where they’re desperately going to need him. Slovenia have one thing going for them, they can always place a call to the Dallas Mavericks for tips on how to manipulate the refs to get their way. Unfortunately, you can only do so much when you’re down 2-0, which the Mavs and Slovenia are both going to be experienced with this summer.

While the English make themselves at home in the biergartens, and likely with the German police, they would be wise to be wary of their first match against Serbia. Fulham-legend Aleksander Mitrovic has been dominant since moving to the Saudi league with 28 goals in 28 games (maybe Jon Rahm should make a call on how to take oil money and still be good at your sport). Mitrovic won’t be scared in the slightest by the English or the other teams in this group as he played and scored against them for Fulham in the Premier League. Serbia also has depth in attack in Juventus’s Dusan Vlahovic and Mitrovic’s Al-Hilal teammate attacking-midfielder Sergej Milinkovic-Savic. Unfortunately, the Serbian squad is a case of a Ferrari parked outside a trailer. They are severely lacking in defense, although Chelsea goalkeeper Djordje Petrovic could impress.

Lastly, the Danes. Unfortunately for them it is no longer the year 1000 and the vikings don’t control England. Unless Manchester United’s Rasmus Hojland does his best Uhtred of Bebbanburg impression (check out Last Kingdom on Netflix), the Danes are in trouble. I would not recommend relying on Brentford’s midfield to try and win a European trophy, but Denmark is going to try with Matihas Jensen and Christian Norgaard. Similar to Mark Richt trying to win the Florida game with Faton Bauta, it sounds as bad on paper as it is in real life. Lastly, big respect to Christian Eriksen for making it back to the tournament he literally died in last go around. Sports.

Prediction: 1) England 2) Serbia 3) Denmark 4) Slovenia

Best Bet: England first in group C, Serbia second (+275)

The “group of death” at this year’s Euros is Group B with Italy, Spain, Croatia, and Albania. Italy and Spain combined have won 5 Euros and been to 8 finals. Croatia has been less impressive in the Euros, but has exceeded all expectations in the past two world cups with a second-place and third-place finish respectively. Albania on the other hand is playing in just its second ever major tournament. Congrats, but being drawn into this group is like getting your first paycheck and learning about taxes. Still got paid though Albanians.

Let’s start with the reigning champs, the Italians. For many, this will be their team of choice for the tournament. Every two years between the World Cup and the Euros the only places selling more Peroni than Rome are the cities filled with wannabe Italians up and down the East Coast from Leesburg, Virginia to Staten Island. Before we face the reality of this version of the Azzurri we must re-visit the excellent rendition of England’s “It’s Coming Home” from the last tournament after Italy beat the English on penalties in the final:

This is a new and unproven Italian team. Its strength is in the midfield where it can rely on Nicolo Barella and Jorginho to pull the strings. Watching the Italians play though is going to be similar to watching Daniel Day Lewis’s Lincoln. Nothing happens the whole time but you know someone dies at the end. Unfortunately, the Italians aren’t going to be able to score goals by relying on West Ham reject (although fantastically named) Gianluca Scamacca or Genoa’s Mateo Retegui. The Italians get out of the group but they might consider declining their invitation to the play. It doesn’t end well in the round of 16.

Next, we have another of European soccer’s royalty that boasts an unproven generation of players, the Spanish. Favorites to win this group at most books (all legitimate books), Spain are relying on an exciting young core of players including 16-year old Lamine Yamal. I know, he’s no Freddy Adu, but the Philadelphia Union only have so many roster spots. Spain are likely going to struggle like the Italians to score goals, but their play will be more exciting in the process. Nico Williams is a big reason for that and not only is the Basque product Spain’s most electric player, he has one of the best stories you’ll find. Plus he can do this:

Spain will win this group, and could win the whole thing if they can find enough goals. P.S. I can’t write the Spain preview and not mention Rodri. The best holding midfielder in the world has only lost one match in his last 75 appearances. Unfortunately, that was also his most recent.

Don’t forget the Croatians. Although, they’re all 90-years old so forgive them if they forget you. Luka Modric is deservedly still the first name on the team sheet (line-up) for Croatia, but after playing a reduced role at Real Madrid this past season there are valid concerns over whether he can lead Croatia on yet another underdog story. I have another familiar issue that I must point out, Croatia also don’t know who is going to score goals. The group of death might actually refer to all of us after having to watch these teams play each other.

This tournament might be a step too far for Croatia’s aging core. Modric, Mateo Kovacic, and Marcelo Brozovic still form a solid midfield that will be tough to breakdown similar to stopping the old guy at the Y’s midrange jumper. But, unfortunately Croatia can’t leave after 45 minutes. Croatia qualify as a third-place team but it’s a swift exit after that.

Last and least, Albania. As college football tries to make the pay-for-play games extinct, it warms the heart to see Europeans keeping the tradition strong. There’s no better self-esteem boost than hanging 50 on New Mexico St. (unless you’re Auburn), and for three teams that are going to struggle to score goals playing Albania is just what they need. The Albanians though are led by Fulham-loanee Armando Broja who was Fulham’s best player this season if you get your news from Albanians commenting on Fulham’s social media. If you live in reality, you’d see Broja made 8 appearances and scored 0 goals. But, Albania should be ecstatic to be in this tournament and cash the check they deserve in honor of all the Sun Belt teams that have gone before them.

Prediction: 1) Spain 2) Italy 3) Croatia 4) Albania

Best Bet: Nico Williams Spain’s top goalscorer (+1200)

Welcome to the Euro preview series. Many people consider the Euros to be the premier soccer competition, even better than the World Cup. Those people would be Europeans. Turns out Europeans and SEC fanbases aren’t that different after all. But, just because it’s annoying doesn’t make it wrong and the Euros are must-watch. It is the perfect competition for people new to soccer or skeptical that soccer is worth following.

First, it’s easy to pick a country you’ve visited or have ties to (however distant) and follow them throughout the 4-week tournament rather than having to pick a club you know nothing about and follow them for a 38 match season that lasts 8 months. Second, there’s matches every day during times when there’s nothing else on. I know that everyone that reads this is 100% focused at work every day. But, if you’re on summer vacation or inclined to take a break (or three), there’s a match at 9am, 12pm, and 3pm every day starting this Saturday until the end of June. Give it a try. You’ll be surprised when you start googling Hungarian words or telling your friends you’re cheering for Scotland because you’re great-great grandpa was related to William Wallace’s neighbor. And, if not, posts related to your interests coming soon as well. To Germany we go:

Group A is the home of the hosts Germany along with Scotland, Switzerland, and Hungary. As is traditional, the hosts were gifted the easiest group. Anything less than finishing first in this group would be disastrous for the Germans. Not that the Germans have ever been a part of disasters. Toni Kroos coming back for a farewell tournament on home soil is the leading storyline for Germany, but relying on Kai Havertz to score goals is the equivalent of an Iowa first-down. It happens, but when it does you’re confused how they made it look so hard/why it doesn’t happen more often. Germany should qualify easily out of this group with 9 points (3 wins). How far they go from there is up for debate and the refs.

Scotland qualifying for the Euros in back to back tournaments is a huge accomplishment. Doing so by beating Spain 2-0 in Glasgow is an even bigger accomplishment. Being placed in a group with the hosts of the tournament is quite the Scottish result. Despite their luck, the Scots have an underrated team led by several established premier league players. I debated calling them stars but calling Scott McTominay a star would be like calling Papa John’s gourmet. Like Papa John’s though McTominay has been there for Scotland when they need it and is always better at home. He scored 7 goals for Scotland in qualifying and was relatively prolific for a horrendous Manchester United team this season. Unfortunately for McTominay the tournament is in Germany and I doubt Papa John’s delivers. A name not many people may know for Scotland is Lawrence Shankland who has scored 24 goals in back to back seasons for Edinburgh-based club Hearts. A bet on Shankland to score against Hungary or Switzerland could fund your pizza.

I’m not gonna transition to Hungary here out of self-respect, but know that I thought about it. So, the Swiss. Unlikely to be many people’s favorite team in this tournament, but they have some players you may recognize in Xherdan Shaqiri and Manuel Akanji. Akanji is fresh off a successful season with the UAE’s and every 8-year old American’s favorite team, Manchester City, but a defender can only impact a team so much when it’s lacking in other areas. Shaqiri has moved on to assisted living in the MLS, but he might still have a couple moments of magic left in him. Such as this:

The Swiss won’t win a match. 3 and out seems likely. [Insert Iowa Joke].

Now, Hungary. After going almost 40 years without qualifying for the Euros, Hungary are set to play in their third straight tournament. Only Hungarians knew that stat. Led by Liverpool’s Dominik Szoboszlai (you’ll see a Tik Tok of people trying to pronounce his name at some point this summer I’m sure), Hungary will be competitive. Their match against Scotland on June 23rd will decide who qualifies alongside Germany from this group. It’s a shame though that Hungary will be playing in the blandest kits of Euro 2024. Hungary v. Switzerland at 9am on June 15th is one for the true fans (degenerates). If you’re watching that know that I am proud.

Prediction: 1) Germany 2) Scotland 3) Hungary 4) Switzerland

Best Bet: Switzerland to finish last in Group A (+350)